Agreement 2 is about keeping the line open — listening for, watching for, love and goodness, especially in your most intimate relationship. When that signal gets lost, most couples polarize into one of two moves. One person pushes in, determined to solve the problem right now. The other evacuates, fast.
Both moves produce the exact same result: a wall. A wall that blocks your connection by wrecking your ability to see past your own panic into the heart of the person whose love you need most.
Both partners are equally responsible for the wall, regardless of which role they're playing. The “fuser” isn't the problem. The “avoider” isn't the problem (both terms coined by Harville Hendrix). The panic is the problem.
So what am I talking about?
Sometimes one too many conversations are going wrong. Old wounds keep surfacing, the emotional bank accounts are draining and suddenly you're both flooded—defensive, scared, or attacking.
If you're the one who pushes in, here's what it might sound like in your head: "If I don't fix this right now, it will always be broken. I'll never have what I need. I've got to turn this nose dive upwards. I've got to make this relationship work, right now!" etc.
If you're the one who evacuates, you’re prone to some equally crazy thoughts: She doesn't care. And if she doesn't care, I may die.
Any of that sound familiar?
Neither of these lines of thinking get said out loud because they are both buried beneath the surface, but are both what's actually steering.
What's interesting is that this kind of pushing in or evacuating, occurs because it looks like love is starting to run dry. But it's actually the opposite. When emotions run high- when you both feel like you're missing each other, it’s the very depth of your love and connection with each other that’s behind the triggers. Our greatest joy is connection but our greatest fear is disconnection.
But here's the thing: that kind of panicked state of mind is lying to you—whichever direction it sends you. It's not the final word- not even close.
At a certain point, emotional distress stops being about your relationship and becomes physiological.
When your nervous system gets activated past a threshold, something shuts down. You lose access to the part of your brain that reasons, that connects, that actually hears the other person. And that's the moment you start telling yourself you need to fix it (or you need to flee from it), e.g., "If I could just get her to see the truth", or "If I can just calm down enough to be able to connect with him again and get him to listen", or “Once if I evacuate, maybe she’ll realize she’s wrong.”
But the truth is, once you're triggered, you really can’t choose better thoughts. You cannot choose better behavior, and trying to talk it out in the middle of a psychic storm almost always makes it worse- as does evacuating and putting your spouse into trauma.
Because as long as your system feels like it's under attack, everything becomes about survival—not relationship. You're in a swamp with alligators and talking to them (or ignoring them) isn't helping.
And this is not a moral or character failure we’re talking about. It's not like you want to be in a fight-or-flight state, whether it sends you toward the fight or out the door. And it's not because you don't love your spouse. It's biology. You're trying to stay alive, and getting through to this person may be your only hope!