Hal David wrote a wonderful lyric in the 60’s “What the world needs now is love, sweet love” but I’ve become convinced that there’s one thing perhaps even more important- trust.
Jesus once said the kingdom of heaven belongs to little children. I think he was pointing to something fundamental: a child’s willingness to start with trust, to see someone as innocent until proven guilty vs. the other way around- to see a possibility of love and goodness inside someone, even when it isn’t obvious.
This is what Agreement 2 is about.
But just to make sure you’re not misunderstanding me- I’m not talking about earned trust — the kind calibrated to someone’s behavior and track record. Underlying trust is different. It’s my commitment to look for evidence of love and goodness, beneath the letdowns and disappointments, and sometimes, even someone’s worst moments.
There’s a story about a man who got a flat tire on a quiet country road at about two in the morning. He spotted a farmhouse about half a mile up the road and, hoping to borrow a tire jack, started walking toward it.
“He probably doesn’t even have a jack,” he thought.
A few steps later: “Even if he does, why would he bother lending it to a stranger at this hour?”
By the time he was nearly at the door: “He’s asleep. And even if he’s awake, he’s got his own problems. He doesn’t care about mine.”
He rang the doorbell. A minute later, an old farmer opened the door. Without missing a beat, he blurted out, “Keep your stupid jack!”- and turned around and walked back to his car.
This is what distrust does. It writes the ending before the story even begins.
Underlying Trust, by contrast, says: even when someone seems uncaring or hurtful, I choose to lean toward the possibility of love — not so much because of the abundance of their trustworthiness, but rather, because of the abundance of my trust.
Imagine a little dot with a big circle around it. The dot is the issue — the dirty dishes, the finances, questions about how to raise the kids etc. The circle is what you’re bringing to the dot: “Does he not care about me enough to do anything around here?”, “Does she want our kids growing up soft?” etc.
The circle is the real issue, not the dot.
So the question to start with isn’t “How do we solve this issue?” (the little dot). The question is: What on earth are you bringing to this issue? Because you’re either bringing underlying trust — or you’re bringing underlying distrust.