Stephen Canaan and Agreement 3 & 4 (Coming Through for Those You Love)

My son Stephen shared some great perspectives with me recently,

The first part of his thinking was that he realized he’d gone too far on Agreement 3 and 4- or in other words, he took those agreements somwhere they didn’t belong.

He got so locked into what he (numero uno) was willing to do, and not willing to do that he started bouncing people off him. His boundary was so solid, so clearly delineated, so well-defended, that people felt like a force field around him in conneciton with navigating any kind of difficulty.

This is a classic Agreement 3 overcorrection. He'd grabbed Questions 1 and 2 of the Centering Questions and squeezed them for everything they were worth — and forgot Question 3. “What would actually be best for everyone, including me?”

That's the question that keeps boundaries from turning into walls.

So I asked him: what did you do when you realized what you were doing?

He said he needed to steer himself toward a place where he could be okay with something, without announcing the boundary like a building code violation.

Then he gave me some examples- two very sweet pictures of what these principles are about,

Example 1: Throwing a Spouse Under the Bus

He was listening to a friend vent about his wife. He let it go for a moment. He created what he called an "off-ramp" (a grace period).  But when the conversation crossed a line (when his friend just kept going)- when he characterized his wife in a way that put a bad taste in his mouth— he stopped and said: Look, I hear you. But once you say stuff like that about her, I can't unhear it. It sticks with me. And it makes it harder for me to feel close to either of you.

He was protecting his closeness with his friend and his friend’s wife. He was protecting relationships — not just being some kind of morality policman, or stiffly protecting his delicate ears.

He described this moment as “nurture and admonition”— referencing Enos Chapter 1. You hold someone in love and hold them to a standard. The standard isn't punishment. The standard is a condition of intimacy. If you don't know this about me, we can't be as close as I’d like.

This is the thing about the Centering Question- They're a fluid, real-time instrument. What am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do? What would be best for everyone? What am I not seeing? What do I ultimately want here?

Stephen ran all five of those in real time — in this conversation with a friend at work— without anyone knowing he was doing it. And the result was an off-ramp, a boundary, and a repair, all in about 60 seconds.

Example 2: The Costco Sample

Stephen was walking the aisles at Costco — He spotted a sample station. Yogurt with vanilla paste. He'd actually had his eye on that vanilla paste before, so he was excited.

He took a bite. It was awful. Way too much vanilla — like drinking cologne. He put it down and walked away. And as he did, a thought flashed through his mind: Someone should tell her. It's too strong. Not a full sentence. Just a flash.

He didn't act on it. The moment passed. He kept walking.

Then, from behind him, he heard it: the next woman in line, turned to the demonstrator saying, "This is just too strong. It's too much."