Below is a summary of years of writing, workshops, and couple’s coaching. If you’ll study these ideas and guidelines, talk about them, and do your best to practice them, I 100% guarantee a successful, happy, intimate marriage.
Having said that, bear in mind that these guidelines are ideals. This is what you’re shooting for. Of course, it takes a while to build these kinds of new habits. Also note that these are just guidelines. Once you get a feel for the philosophy behind them, you should feel free to adapt the particulars in ways that work for you and your spouse. May God bless you in developing what can be the sweetest dimension of life on earth. - John C.
🦘A.I. Podcast - 15 minutes
🐼 Slide presentation
2025 Blueprint_for_a_Lifelong_Journey.pdf
Sharpen the Saw (and you are the saw)
As Stephen Covey points out, you can’t cut down many trees—or cut through issues and open your hearts more fully to each other—if your saw is dull. YOU are the saw. In this sense, your relationship can’t be much better than you are—physically, spiritually, mentally, etc. As you balance and stabilize your own personal life, you will be far better equipped for what it takes to balance and grow a wonderful marriage.
Get God Into Your Relationship
Supporting the above (sharpening your saw), Jesus said, “Peace I give unto you, not as the world gives…” (not as any marriage guidelines, class, or anything else gives) but as He gives. Get this peace—get this healing force—as deep into your marriage as you can. Pray together twice a day. Read scriptures together. Attend church together. Serve in your community together. These first two guidelines—sharpening the saw and getting God into your marriage—make everything else below possible.
Create Enrollment
Make sure your spouse is enrolled before bringing up an issue. For example: “I wanted to talk more about _______ (spending time with friends, our budget, etc.). Would that be OK?” Follow this with, “Is now a good time?” Your spouse can say “yes,” or “no, but can we talk about this tonight, or at our inventory this Sunday?”
Make USA Requests
U – Unloaded. No backloads, history, trauma, or emotional undercurrents—no “Why don’t you care about me?” or “Why are you trying to kill me?” or “Why are you the devil?” Work through your trauma, distrust, victim stories, helplessness, or “Why will I never be fully loved?” on your own (journal, therapy, prayer, scriptures, walking, etc.).
S – Specific. Rather than implying poor performance or flawed character, make a specific, reasonable request. And make your request each time as if it’s the first time. “Would you be willing to _______?”
A – Affirmative. Ask for something specific you want him or her to do (a small, concrete action), not something you want them to stop doing.
Respond to Requests Clearly Without Drifting into Side Issues
Especially for requests made “on the run” (vs. a formal Sunday inventory), respond with:
a) Yes,
b) No, or
c) “This needs more conversation—let’s talk at ___.”
If it’s a Yes, the person receiving the request may offer a brief “Please help me…” For example, if you’ve asked your spouse to stop leaving clothes on the bedroom floor, his “please help me” might be: “Yes, I won’t leave them on the floor. Could you help me by not picking them up yourself?”
Important: If a “please help me” begins turning into another issue, save the new issue for your next inventory meeting. Don’t cave. Put new issues off until their proper time.
One Issue at a Time
This is critical. You must extract from the pile of “wet leaves” quickly creating a stink in front of you—one issue to talk about and hopefully resolve. One leaf, one issue at a time. Be disciplined. Write down emerging issues and cover them at later meetings.
Monitor Safety
Rule of all rules: Whenever you don’t feel safe—emotionally, mentally, spiritually—or you sense your spouse doesn’t feel safe, postpone the conversation. Say, “I’m not feeling safe. Can we talk about this (or continue this) tomorrow night?” Both of you can work on your trauma, upset, or “stories” until then. For help, see: www.pathofpeace.org/bestill.
Measure Yourself, Not Your Spouse
These rules are for you, not your spouse. You commit. You master them. Unless you want to make a USA request about one of the rules during an inventory, focus on your own alignment.
Adhere to Issues Protocol
Ideally:
a) Keep a private list of weightier issues and tentative, specific requests.
b) Discuss one of these issues in each weekly inventory.
c) If you fall short of this “higher law,” at least keep the “lower law,” which is the 90/10 rule: Keep 90% of your conversation on non-issue, everyday connection. Limit actual issue-work to 10% at most.
Synergize Toward Win-Win
When working toward solutions, if safety is present, stay in the conversation as long as needed—or return to it as often as needed (keeping the 90/10 rule in mind)—until you reach a solution that works for both of you.