The Circle of Commitment, Safety & Trust
Reading of this chapter by Oliver (A.I.)
The Circle of Commitment, Safety & Trust with Oliver.mp3
by John Canaan
According to Dr. Harville Hendrix, the most important step to healing your relationship and navigating through the perfect storm is “closing the back door.”
In most cases, when things get rough, there’s sort of a back door exit that starts forming in your mind- “If I could just get out of this marriage (or run off with so and so) oh my goodness life could be so much better.” That back door in your mind opens to Hawaii and just keeps calling to you; palm trees, hula girls, sand, waves, and freedom!
Your current relationship, on the other hand, feels like Vietnam (in the 60’s that is). What’s the solution? Close the back door. Board it up, barricade it, and bring yourself back to the opportunity to love and growth that’s right in front of you.
The only path leading to what you really want is going to involve the love of your life- the one whose eyes you looked into and said “I do” when the preacher said “for better or for worse.”
If times get tough, It will take everything you’ve got- every part of you. But if part of you is already slipping out to what you think will be Hawaii, then you've already lost.
Turn your ship around. Keep your promise. Save your life. Come through for yourself and your loved one.
I know it's hard! It could be the hardest thing you've ever done, but close the back door.
If instead, you continue to entertain thoughts of what “freedom” would feel like (as if leaving your spouse will make you free) - or muse on how wonderful it would be with so and so, or find someone new (someone you have “more in common with” or who isn't as “narcissistic or stubborn”) then the barricades will come down, the back door will crack open, you will give in to your panic and slip out into what you think will be Hawaii.
It’s not of course- but before you realize that, the 100% of you required to heal your relationship will start to fade and you will have lost everything.
And when I say everything, I don’t just mean the relationship- I mean everything; every heart you promised to protect (vs. break), every aspect of character you were born to develop, every vast treasure of wisdom waiting for you to claim. This is the moment- all coming to a climax here and now, with him or her.
Close the back door and in so doing, gather all the integrity and inner strength you will need to navigate through your deepest fears. Face into the wind. Don’t run away! Run directly into what you fear the most. Because on the other side of it is not only the love you want, but the person you were born to become. Your very soul (the deepest, most ancient part of you) yearns for you to return fully to your marriage. This is where your soul is. Come back!
Remember that what you are imagining is an exit from what you currently don't want, is really an entrance to much more of what you don't want! This has always been the way of things.