A Stairway to Heaven

Introduction: A singular, disturbing possibility

Hugh Prather once said that, “Every married person wakes up one morning, and looking over a bowl of cold cereal, finds himself face to face with a perfect stranger, and one that he or she doesn’t particularly like.”

This is the moment that Lloyd Jenkins (speaking of newlyweds) describes as "running around shouting that we’ve been robbed."

But as Joseph Campbell puts it, this (the cave we fear to enter) is the cave that holds the treasure we seek.

For as Prather goes on to say, "It is at this moment (the moment at the breakfast table), if we are willing, that we can begin to experience true love."

Dr. Harville Hendrix (Imago Therapy) goes even further by saying that "Incompatibility is the basis for a great marriage."

Yet, as Lloyd Jenkins said, it's our nature to feel like we've been robbed. In reality, this never happens. In reality, you can't marry the wrong person. In reality, you are right where you belong. How do I know? Because you want to run.

Note that I'm not talking about relationships where there is physical violence, adultery, or chronic toxic emotional abuse. I'm talking about feeling like you've been dealt a bad hand. I'm inviting you to challenge yourself on this.

Here's how Hartman Taylor puts it: “I have never, ever, ever, worked with a couple who didn’t deserve each other." - Dr. Hartman Taylor - Author of "The Color Code"

Let’s break this down.

We tend to attract into our lives the person who is least likely to play the part we most need played- We tend to attract the perfect storm- the perfect mismatch.

Based on the theory of the “Perfect Storm”, neither of you is inclined to meet each other’s needs as well as you’d each like. If you need affection, you will tend to attract someone who withholds it. If you need open communication, you will most likely attract someone who struggles to talk about his feelings. If you need your partner to deeply care about your personal world, you might tend to attract someone a little more self-centered, and so forth.

Why would you do this? Because it is just what the Doctor ordered (Dr. God)- His plan for your happiness. God gives you “weakness” (as my friend Ether says) so you can become humble, and that in your humility- your broken, open heart, you will take His hand and He will make “weak things strong”, featuring the creation of a wonderful marriage!

The “perfect storm” creates the perfect soul.

So yes, you married for love, but you also (without realizing it) married to become the best version of yourself. This is only possible in the “better and worse” of marriage- what Martin Luther called “The School of Love.”

And we can either embrace this opportunity for growth and transcendence, or run from it.