“There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated. And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.”
— Doctrine & Covenants 130:20–21
The 9 Agreements are nine lenses — nine ways of thinking and living. But if you ever feel lost or overwhelmed by the principles, come back here. These are your actionable, specific rules.
Think about what happens on our roads and streets without clear, specific traffic rules. Pure chaos. Accidents, gridlock, people running lights, nobody knowing who has the right of way. It is only because of precise, agreed-upon rules that thousands of strangers can share the same road safely, even at high speed.
Now consider this: Your marriage is at least as potentially combustible as a nuclear reactor. Follow the operating rules and that reactor lights up your city, or in other words, lights up your life. Ignore them and you know what happens.
You get the picture. In traveling on the road to a healthy life and healthy relationships, it’s all about the rules. Keep them and succeed. Break them, and fail.
All of the rules below are rooted in the 9 Agreements. When in doubt, trace any rule back to its Agreement. These rules are the hands and feet of those principles.
1. Close the Back Door. This is the most important rule on the list. Everything you need to make this relationship work has to be front and center. You cannot afford to have part of yourself slipping out the back door when all of you is needed right now. A divided heart divides a marriage. For more on this idea go to: pathofpeace.org/door.
2. No Open Fire. It will burn your house down. Never say anything to your spouse that implies poor performance or flawed character. Full stop. Whatever conclusion you’ve reached about your spouse, whatever complaints you have, disappointments, frustrations etc. deserves a peaceful conversation, not open fire. See “Convert Issues” below.
Note on Open Fire: The rare exception to this rule requires 3 conditions:
a) A pre-set meeting, where spouse B (receiver) is prepared to hear it all (gloves off).
b) After spouse A has lays her disappointment and angst on the table and both barrels are emptied, he or she will provide a well thought out, very specific, reasonable, actionable request.
c) The request is met with “yes”, “no, but would ______ work?” or “let’s talk more about it and see if we can work something out.” etc. (anything close to this).
3. Stay in Your Lane. Stay in Your Power. I can’t control or change my spouse, but what can I do? Learn to think like this, every minute of every day. Stay out of his or her lane, stay in your body, in your power. Live in the Centering Questions (Agreement 3) and have the peaceful, loving conversations that result from these questions. Note: If you don’t have these kinds of conversations you will default to open fire. Make a choice. (For more on the centering questions, go to pathofpeace.org/questions.)
4. Convert Issues, Upsets and Judgements into Specific, Actionable Requests. Then invite your spouse into a conversation where you can explain that request and work out an agreement together. For more on this go to pathofpeace.org/requests.
5. Any Request Must Be Made with As Much Peace as Possible. Before making a request, do what you can to foster a genuine spirit of peace within yourself. Come “unloaded” (i.e. lack of story, accusation, historic disappointment, etc.) Additionally, learn to “read the room.” Wait for a good time to talk (Ideally during your “Weekly Inventory). Avoid ambushing your spouse at a bad time and with a bad spirit. For help with this, go to pathofpeace.org/bestill.
6. Bring Requests to a “Weekly Inventory.” Ideally, important requests live here. If something is more urgent, it doesn’t need to wait for Inventory, but before you declare something as urgent, do some reflection and breakthrough work on it. For more on this, go to pathofpeace.org/bestill.