1. Enrollment - Make sure spouse is enrolled before bringing up an issue i.e. “I wanted to talk more about _______ (i.e. spending time with friends etc.). Would that be OK? Given your spouse’s request (above), the response is either a) Yes or b) Can we talk_______ (name a time).
  2. Make USA requests - (U) - Unloaded, no back loads, history, trauma, etc. No undercurrent of “Why do you not care about me?” or “Why are you trying to kill me?” or “Why are you the devil,” etc. Please work out your trauma, distrust, victim story, helplessness, or “why will I never be fully loved?” on your own, i.e., journal, therapy, prayer, scriptures, walk, etc. (S) Rather than ever implying your spouse's poor performance or flawed character, consider making a very specific, reasonable (i.e., he might actually be willing to do this) request. And make your request, each time, like it’s the first time. (A) Affirmative, meaning something very specific you want him or her to do (some bite-sized, quantifiable action) vs. something you want him to not do.
  3. Response to requests, especially ones made on the run (vs your formal Sunday Inventory) is a) Yes, b) No, or c) “This needs more conversation”, and then give a time. If it’s “Yes”, you could provide a “Please help me” i.e. “Would you be willing to help me with this by ________ (small, very specific request). If your “please help me” starts turning into another issue, let your partner know you can talk about this other, additional, emerging issue, at your next invtentory meeting.
  4. One issue at a time - Don’t cave on this. You must extract from the pile of wet leaves that is quickly creating a stink right before your eyes- you must extract one issue to talk about and hopefully resolve. Be disciplined. Write down other emerging issues and cover them at other meetings.
  5. Safety - Rule of all rules: Whenever you don’t feel safe, either with respect to your own emotional state or your spouse's, put off the conversation, i.e., “I’m not feeling safe, can we talk about this (or continue this) tomorrow night?” Let your spouse work on his trauma until then. See www.pathofpeace.org/bestill
  6. Measure yourself, not your spouse - These rules are for you, not your spouse. YOU commit. YOU master them, UNLESS you want to make a USA request about one of the rules at one of your inventory meetings.

Key concepts:

  1. We choose a person who is least likely to play the part we most need played. The way of nature is that you will feel drawn to and “right” about marrying someone who offers the most growth and the greatest opportunity for healing. You will grow, and he will experience healing as you develop what’s necessary to make the relationship work and find your way to his heart. He will grow, and you will experience healing as he develops what’s necessary to make the relationship work and find his way to your heart.
  2. All marriages are divine accidents to one degree or another - When you say “yes” (or “I do”) the universe reconfigures around you. All that was relevant before regarding who to marry no longer exists. What does exist is a crystalline staircase that the angels of God made for you, leading to heaven. Halfway up that staircase, looking down at you, is your prince (or your queen), in all his or her or her glory and in all his or her liabilities and challenges- just what the doctor ordered to bring you to a fullness of stature, an infinate depth of love, and an unimaginable happiness with the man or women you accidently chose.
  3. Close and destroy the back door - If any part of your starts slipping out the back door, a) you will not have (in the part of you that’s still present), what it takes to create happiness in this marriage and b) you will begin down a path of very difficult karmic consequences that you may or may not bounce back from.