Nightly Check-In

Nightly Check-In / What, Why, When etc.

What: Nightly Check-In is designed to kindle friendship and at the same time, provide a safe space for guiding your spouse to your heart. N.C.I. includes two 2 aspects: 1) Chit-Chat (getting to know each other) and aspect 2) Making a request. If you’re relationship has been a bit strained recently, you could skip the “Making a request” aspect for a week or so. [More on this in the "Relationship Cleanse" chapter.]
Why do Nightly Check-In? If consistently pursued, NCI... 1) strengthens the bond of your friendship and marriage and 2) provides a forum for guiding each other toward greater marital satisfaction.
When? Ideally, N.C.I. is done on a walk but can also be done while doing dishes, driving to the store or brushing your teeth etc..
How Long should you N.C.I. be each night? Your N.C.I. can be as brief as a few minutes, or as inspired, up to 30 minutes.
What? Depending on what the state of your relationshiop you could take a more free flow, natural approach, sharing whatever you’d like i.e. ideas, perspectives, breakthroughs, victories, challenges etc. and then, as and if inspired, making a U.S.A. request. Consider developing your own unique approach and rituals around N.C.I., or, use it just it’s spelled out.

T.A.L.K.S Acronym

The easiest way to pursue both aspects of N.C.I. (Chit-Chat & Requests) is the T.A.L.K.S. (Talks) acronym. The T.A.L.K. part of the acronym are prompts for chit-chat and getting to know each other. The “S” in T.A.L.K.S (Talks) could be a prompt or reminder toward making a request (if you’re making one).

T. …stands for “Tell me more about _____” (whatever you’d like to hear more about) - You could reference something specific your spouse said (i.e. “Tell me more about what that was like” or perhaps just something you’re wondering about I.e. “Tell me how your meeting went” or “How are you feeling about your new project?”) Note that “T” is at the top and runs downward through “A”, “L”, “K”, & “S.”

A. … stands for “A.” - “Is there anything you’d give yourself an “A” in today and why?” and/or “What grade might you give yourself in any area and why?” or “ What was the best part of your day? - (the part that gets an "A” and why?)”

L. …stands for “Love” - “How did you give love today?” - including, how did you conquer a fear or bad feeling and replace it with love?

K. …stands for “Keep on keepin’ on” or in other words, what are you wanting and willing to recommit to today in terms of goals or habits? - or, is there anything you’d like to apoligize for? (Please only ask this question to yourself, not your spouse).

S. …stands for “Specific” i.e. “Do you have a specific request you’d like to make of yourself or of me? If it’s a request for me, please do your best to go right for the request vs. a lot of back-story or criticism.”

Instructions & Tips

Nightly Check-In is best done on a short walk together but can also be done while doing dishes, taking makeup off, and brushing teeth or on the phone if one of you is out of town.
As you listen and talk, be validating and encouraging . Show interesting in your spouse’s share i.e. “Tell me more about_____” or “That’s interesting. I didn’t realize how you see this. Tell more about your thoughts on this.” etc. “Wow, that’s cool!” or "Interesting!”, or “What was that like?” Note: These kinds of responses may not feel natural and if your spouse makes fun of you for using these, explain that it’s helping you rewire your brain and that you find them helpful.
“T.A.L.K.S.” is a general content guideline. You can just naturally keep it in mind as you talk , bringing the “T” in as inspired and as much as possible i.e. ”Tell me more…” for instance “ “That’s awesome that you’re renewing your commitment to self-care. Tell me more about what led to this”, or “When you said you really enjoyed your class today, I’d love to hear more about what parts you enjoyed? etc.
As and if you get to the making a request part of your N.C.I. requests should be “U.S.A.” - Unloaded (you worked out your angst before making the request), Specific (without any back story- just the specific, realistic, doable, request) and Affirmative (something specific you’d like your spouse to do, versus something you want him or her to not do).